Something Is Going To Break.

Stuff has already been broken.

This was my ride to work this morning.



Because I stripped my seat post screw last night. But Dad, being the miracle worker that he is, replaced it with a longer one and a nut that's made of steel. Dad is, I say again, awesome.

I hope it holds.

I also broke my headlight mount, which I will fix with epoxy tomorrow.


I Am Going To Die.

I am, of late, going through a great amount of dis-ease. Call it existential angst, or whatever you like. The point is ... I am feeling lousy. It's getting harder to keep the spirits up.

I got mail in the post today. This is who I used to be.




Can the urge to create be why I am writing this diary? Maybe I am just stifling myself and need an outlet, even if I don't have an audience anymore. My ex used to say I could never be happy doing anything else.

But the thing is, I've burned all my bridges. There can be no going back.

Perhaps, it's all because I'm turning 30 in a few months time.

To negate that inner anxiety, or at least to take my mind off things, I have been taking trips on my bicycle to revisit the past. This is a record of what I saw over the weekend.



That's how many kilometers I clocked.

Applied Research Corporation.

This is where I used to work, when I was in the university.




While law undergrads were driving their daddy's BMWs to school, I was riding to school everyday on my bicycle.

The bicycle was also practical because I had to buy lunch for my mother between 12 to 1. She can't walk, you see.

So I had to keep 12-1 free for lunch, and as much as I could I scheduled all my classes for 4 (yes, it's possible). And in between I was riding over to ARC to do data entry for pocket money.

It's got a new name now.







This is where I parked Moose-stang.















This is where I parked my bike in Uni.






This is West Coast Park. It's perfectly fine, except for the lack of a beach.

Nothing ever happened for me here, except that I never knew it had such a beautiful pond.




When you cycle further, you get to see the ocean.








It's the Month of Hungry Ghosts.

I hope some of mine have been fed.

I am tired now.

Of everything.

Obligatory existential angst entry, you all.

Are They All Stupid?

Part I:Stupid Numbnuts & Fuckfarts

I'm talking about BMW drivers, and Mercedes Benz drivers.

Yesterday, one of them tried to cream me. This was along Ulu Pandan road.

It is broad daylight.

My bike and I cannot possibly be more obvious.

There I was spinning merrily along, this BMW is trying to turn in from the opposite side of the road.

Does he see me?

Yes.

Should he have given way?

Yes.

Does he think it's worth testing to see if I'm a spirit, this being the 7th month and all?

Yes.

So this BLOODY FUCKING IDIOT steps on the gas and I'm headed for a Volkswagen-BMW Dagwood sandwich, with Mr Special as the stuffing of the day. (note: that is cheese with ham. I am always cheese with ham. Love ham. Loves it.)

On go the V-brakes, which being marvellously grippy (new Kool-stop pads & fresh new rims + too little modulation from the bike mechanic) makes me do a nose wheelie.

The BMW driver waves sorry as he passes through.

I mouth 'fucker' back at him, making sure the other drivers waiting to pass through the same turn take note of what could happen to them.


Part II:Stupid pinch flats.

It's ALWAYS the BMW and the Mercedes drivers.

My friend says they pay through their nose for their atas cars, so they have to behave like Kings and Queens.



Stupid x-tra lite tubes.

It's only been 2 days, but I already have a pinch flat.

Never had a pinch flat before on my old wheels and ah pek tires.

Methinks I should have gone for 2.2 rear tires instead of 1.9.

But I ran 1.95 ah pek rear tires with no problem.

As it is, I felt the tires were overinflated. And yet... pinch flat.

Luckily I had already arrived at the office by then. I dare not think what will happen in the hills this weekend.

Anyway, combined installation of my beautiful rear dee and replaced tube. And got a schrader/presta adaptor so I can pump up my tires at any old petrol kiosk. And got it to fit into my toolkit:



My new beautiful XTR rear-dee.




If this was porn, you would all be heading to the bathroom right now.

Every Sperm Is Sacred Lyrics
Artist: Monty Python
Album: The Meaning Of Life



DAD:
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.


(EVERYBODY!!!)

GIRL:
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

MUM:
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

MEN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
WOMEN:
If a sperm is wasted,...
CHILDREN:
...God get quite irate.

PRIEST:
Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM:
Every sperm is good.
NANNIES:
Every sperm is needed...
CARDINALS:
...In your neighbourhood!

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
FUNERAL CORTEGE:
God needs everybody's.
MOURNER #1:
Mine!
MOURNER #2:
And mine!
CORPSE:
And mine!

NUN:
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
HOLY STATUES:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYONE:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaaate!

Have fun.

I Have Never Been So Happy.

Trust God, But Buy XTR.

This is it. I seem to have a knack for scoring XTR components without the associated price tag. XTR RD-M952 will be a phenomenal increase in performance over my current STX deraileur. I am officially one component away from a race-ready rig: my front derailleurs are the last.

I'm not going to say how much this beautifully sculpted grey beauty costs, except that the condition is damn near brand new and that you can't buy 1/3 of this new, for what I paid for it.

And in other news... or perhaps the main news... someone very important to me is finally meeting me for lunch. After 1 and a half years.

This is beyond surreal.

I feel like I have been given a new lease of life.

I promise to behave.

Moose-stang's New Shoes.

Why I had to rush off after work today.

I'll let this story tell itself in pictures.



"I have cold feet"


"Is that mine?"


"Holy moose-burgers! Are those mine?!!"



"Yes! They ARE MINE! And that is ticklish! Make him stop!"


"OH! Just what every Moose-stang dreams of. What, did I say something wrong?"


"Yes... please tuck that in properly. Do you need a shoe horn? Can't help you there... Mr Special de-horned me."


"Ah... who wouldn't lean back after such a great foot massage?"

Note: Moose-stang sounds a lot like Kermit the Frog.


The new wheels are fantastic. The bike really rolls super smoothly now. I had no idea Deore hubs were so lousy.


And, I didn't eat all day and lost about 3 pounds. Riding home was kind of dangerous. I could feel the energy levels bombing.

But now I weigh about 138.6 pounds which is 63 kilos. I'm 4 kilos to my ideal weight (put back 1kg for dinner and water) before I start intensive weight training to bulk back up.

As for Moose-stang, thanks to these beauties ---





-- the Moose-stang lost about 3 pounds too. He now weighs in at about 11 kg, or around 24 pounds, possibly lighter. That's a race-ready weight, by the way.

I know he can get lighter. 10kg isn't going to be a problem for this baby. The seat and tires can stand to lose some 500 grams. The seat post about 30 grams. Carbon stems and handlebars and seat posts, plus lighter BB, hollowtech cranks and XTR derailleurs will drop the weight to 10, possibly below.

But what for?



I don't need a bike that can fly or that costs the sky. I just need one that belongs to me.

I may not drive a BMW or own a condo or have 12 different types of credit cards.

But everything I own belongs to me. I don't owe anything to anyone.

That said... I still want the lightest bike I can make. It's my new hobby now.(kerching!)

When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like A Big Pizza Pie, It's AMORE!

Mileage for the week: 142 kilometers.



In other news, I'm in love.


From : Ducharme Alarm System
Sent : Friday, July 28, 2006 4:00 PM
To : "'Mr Special'"
Subject : RE: Confirmation: CARD Transaction ID: 183016167 - Ducharme Bicycle Alarm

| | | Inbox


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Attachment : image001.gif (0.10 MB)

Hi Mr Special,



We sent it air mail. Due to the length of time I think we can assume that the parcel may be lost.



Yesterday I asked our warehouse to send you another alarm. You should receive it in 5-7 working days.



Please let me know when it arrives.



Kind regards

Kate Grant



Aint' she a sweetheart? I can't wait. Maybe I'll get 2 alarms.

My friend's box from UK arrived after something like 3 months. Or more. So she got her ferragamo pumps back. She's so happy. It's her one and only pair of ferragamos.

Not that there was nothing else in the box, but apparently that's all I can remember.


In other other news, I can't decide which of these wheels to get.

MSRP: 345 bucks. PLus: Sealed bearings, cool looks, light, popular (high resale value). Minuses: Servicing will be a bitch.





MSRP: 400 bucks, but I can get one set at 260. Plus: bladed spokes for more aerodynamics, spoke nipples located at the hub to reduce rotational inertia, shimano hubs, cheap.

Minuses: heavier than the above. No sealed bearings. Bladed spokes are expensive. Shimano hubs.



Which of the above look best on the Moose-stang?





I kind of think the first set goes better with the overall blue and grey of my bike.

But black goes with everything.

All it's coming down to is a choice of colours.

I am shallow.

Diaper Ads Are So Dumb They Make Me Cry.

I am starting to realise that every time I have to do work, I warm up by writing in this sorry excuse for a diary. I do realise how self-centered it is.

Oh well. You can't have everything.

Anyway, I brought work home. I do it regularly. I call it 'homework'.

This is payback for all the years in school in which I never handed in my homework. Not once.

While trying to fix a creak in my seat/post after dinner, I realised that it wasn't coming from my seat post or the seat rails.

It was coming from my bottom bracket.

Immediately, I got paranoid and inspected the frame for cracks.

Nothing. Nada. But still creaking. Dad, in his infinite wisdom, said that one of the bearings in the bottom bracket must be worn and causing the creak. And probably one in each side of the bottom bracket.

I had to be sure, so I went and cleaned the bike just to check the frame for cracks.



No cracks. And after working in some 3 rounds of WD40, the creak disappeared completely.

Dad is awesome.



It rained today.



And I can't wait for my new wheels.



Shimano WH-M565 Medium Range Mountain Bike Wheelset.

One Is the Loneliest Number

Today's entry is brought to you by the letters 'I', 'Z', 'M' and Aimee Mann.

One, by Aimee Mann

One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one



No is the saddest experience
You'll ever know
Yes, it's the saddest experience
You'll ever know
Because one is the loneliest number
That'll you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever know

It's just no good anymore
Since you went away
Now I spend my time
Just making rhymes
Of Yesterday



Because one is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever know

One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number
Much much worse than two
One is a number divided by two

I Want To Turn Over A New Leaf.

Bishop has pulled through.



Why can't I have new leaves?





But who is going to change my soil?

If You Can See This, Make Me A Peanut Butter Sandwich.

I'm not lonely or anything.. but if you're on MSN and you are reading my blog, add me. I'm filmlab@h**mail.com (rhymes with botmail).

Ok who's kidding who. Chase me ladies, I'm a Monopoly money billionaire!

But seriously add me anyway. Male, female, rider, driver.

See you there.

Everytime You Speak Bad English, God Kills A Kitten.

From : Ducharme Alarm System
Sent : Wednesday, July 26, 2006 11:05 AM
To : "Mr Special"
Subject : RE: Confirmation: CARD Transaction ID: 183016167 - Ducharme Bicycle Alarm

| | | Inbox


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Attachment : image001.gif (0.10 MB)

Hi Mr Special,



I’m sorry to hear that your alarm has not yet arrived. It was despatched on the 11th July and should have arrived by now. The delivery address we have for you is:



Name: Special Wong Fun Wai

Address: Clementi Ave X, Blk XXX, #04-158, Singapore 120XXX Singapore Singapore

Postcode: 120XXX

Country: Singapore



Is this correct?



Kind regards

Kate Grant





From: Mr. Special [mailto:filmlab@botmail.com]
Sent: 25 July 2006 15:08
To: Admin@cybernexus.co.uk
Subject: RE: Confirmation: CARD Transaction ID: 183016167



Dear Sir,



I am still waiting for details on the shipment. I wrote to check whether the

shipment was indeed sent to the correct address, as it is now th 11th

working day and still no delivery yet. How long more should I continue to

wait?



Please respond, thank you.



Mr Special.

You Could Die.

Mandatory warning: Newbies... don't drink and ride. You could die.

That said, I went out and got rip-roaringly drunk after work.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was ... I can't remember anything that happened last night.

Then it slowly came back to me.

The shameless ribaldry. The little scuffle with the neighbourhood hooligans. The resultant endless tickling of my mate's feet with a stolen peacock feather while I looked on helplessly.

Actually I really don't remember much of it. But I took pics. Here:





Those must be the brain cells that die when you drink.

But I feel renewed. They use alchohol as cleaning agents, you know. Works great on rims, windows, computer monitors -- why wouldn't it work on a brain? Or a heart?

And now its time for the report today.

The report today.

Nothing happened, except that my fork has developed a clicking sound when extended into 100mm, and the seat rails are squeaking again. Got to go visit the LBS and borrow their tool.

Did I just say something dirty?

This morning I passed by a guy riding a mountain bike - he looked like he might have been on his way to work?

And because he was a guy, I decided to drop him. I mean, there's nothing to look at.

I have a bunch of Bob Marley on my ipod today. Going to love the ride home.

There was no report yesterday. I was upset.


Here's the lyrics to 'Bad Boys' by Marley, presented in l33t speak. Why? For no damn good reason.


B4D B0YS (7h3m3 fr0m C0PS)

by |NN3R C|RC13



B4d b0ys
Wh4tch4 w4nt, w4tch4 w4nt
Wh4tch4 g0nn4 d0
Wh3n Sh3r|ff J0hn Br0wn c0m3 f0r y0u
7311 m3
Wh4tch4 g0nn4 d0, wh4tch4 g0nn4 d0
Y34h34h

CH0RUS:
B4d b0ys, b4d b0ys
Wh4tch4 g0nn4 d0, wh4tch4 g0nn4 d0
Wh3n th3y c0m3 f0r y0u
(R3p34t)

Wh3n y0u w3r3 3|ght
4nd y0u h4d b4d tr4|ts
Y0u g0 t0 sch001
4nd 134rn th3 g01d3n ru13
S0 why 4r3 y0u
4ct|ng 1|k3 4 b100dy f001
|f y0u g3t h0t
Y0u must g3t c001

CH0RUS

Y0u chux |t 0n th4t 0n3
Y0u chux |t 0n th|s 0n3
Y0u chux |t 0n y0ur m0th3r 4nd
Y0u chux |t 0n y0ur f4th3r
Y0u chux |t 0n y0ur br0th3r 4nd
Y0u chux |t 0n y0ur s|st3r
Y0u chux |t 0n th4t 0n3 4nd
Y0u chux |t 0n m3

CH0RUS
(R3p34t)

N0b0dy n4w g|v3 y0u n0 br34k
P01|c3 n4w g|v3 y0u n0 br34k
S01d|3r n4w g|v3 y0u n0 br34k
N0t 3v3n y0u '|dr3n n4w g|v3 y0u n0 br34k
H3y h3y

CH0RUS
(R3p34t)

Why d|d y0u h4v3 t0 4ct s0 m34n
D0n't y0u kn0w y0u'r3 hum4n b3|ng
B0rn 0f 4 m0th3r w|th th3 10v3 0f 4 f4th3r
R3f13ct|0ns c0m3 4nd r3f13ct|0ns g0
| kn0w s0m3t|m3s y0u w4nt t0 13t g0
H3y h3y h3y
| kn0w s0m3t|m3s y0u w4nt t0 13t g0

B4d b0ys, b4d b0ys
Wh4tch4 g0nn4 d0, wh4tch4 g0nn4 d0
Wh3n th3y c0m3 f0r y0u
(R3p34t)
(Y0u'r3 t00 b4d, y0u'r3 t00 rud3)
(Y0u'r3 t00 b4d, y0u'r3 t00 rud3)
B4d b0ys, b4d b0ys
Wh4tch4 g0nn4 d0, wh4tch4 g0nn4 d0
Wh3n th3y c0m3 f0r y0u
(R3p34t)

(R3p34t)

Y0u chux |t 0n th4t 0n3
Y0u chux |t 0n th|s 0n3
Y0u chux |t 0n y0ur m0th3r 4nd
Y0u chux |t 0n y0ur f4th3r
Y0u chux |t 0n y0ur br0th3r 4nd
Y0u chux |t 0n y0ur s|st3r
Y0u chux |t 0n th4t 0n3 4nd
Y0u chux |t 0n m3

CH0RUS
(r3p34t 't|1 th3 3nd)

You Make Me Look Good.

The report today.


I woke up early and it was raining. But while brushing my teeth I noted that the sun was shining out in the East and hence that part of the world might be dry.

I could coast at 11-13 km/h and not get my ass back and chin wet with backspray from the wheels, then speed up when it's drier.

So while coasting, this ang moh lady on a commuter bike (wearing a helmet, also fitted on barends and a motorcycle-style hardbody baggage rack on rear) overtook me.

She looked like she was working really hard. She's kinda petite.

Anyway so, I kept on her tail for a while. It's been a long time since I've had any female company. It's pathetic.

What was funny was that, when a huge truck overtook us, she gestured in the air at the driver!

LOL!

Ok in all my few months riding the bike to work, I've only ever been irked enough to raise the one-fingered salute *once*. Even when the Merz popped my mirror off, all I did was to put it back on, ignore the bugger and ride off.

This lady gets buzzed by a large vehicle and she has to curse? Lady this shit happens all the time.

Imagine everytime you get frustrated, you wobble a bit. And then imagine the next large vehicle behind you.

Freaking amusing.

It was a GREAT ride to work!

Very much helped by Erasure:

A Little Respect
(From the album "WHEATUS")

I tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason, you know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no . . . Soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me.

And if I should falter, would you open your arms out to me?
We can make love not war, and live in peace with our hearts
I'm so in love with you, I'll be forever blue
What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?
Don't you tell me no. . . Soul.
I hear you calling
Oh baby please, give a little respect to me.

I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no. Soul.
I hear you calling.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.

YOu were a Twat.

The report today.

At 8:48am, a lady-driver, mid-40ties, driving a grey Nissan or some shit like that, tried to pull into a bus-stop.

Conveniently, she surged ahead of me and cut me off, forcing me to hit the brakes.

I could go around her on the right, risking a collision with a bigger vehicle (without the benefit of time to check for oncoming vehicles.)

Or I could slow down and take this one on the chin.

Instead, I cut to the left where she wanted to go. I took the opportunity to make my space and give her a good glare, making sure she saw me as I finally passed her.

Witnesses: All at the Farrer Road bus-stop.


The next time this happens, if I'm forced to stop, I'll snap a pic of the arrogant twit or twat.

If another car tried to do this to them, they'd be fuming too.


In other news... this week I covered 163 kilometers - in one week.

I know 40 of it was due to going up to the hills and off-road on Saturday, and about 100 of it for the commute.

That means I have about 20 kilometers missing from my memory.


You can tell the week sucks for me if the mileage is high.




People with lives don't ride this much.

Got Mud?

Just after where I took these pics, the wind was shaking tiny little leaves down from the trees.

It looked like snow, only green. I would have taken a video but it can't beat being there.

Also, I grew a mud moustache today.



I love it when the bike is dirty. Oh yea, this is my Nike sticker:




Despite the relatively dry conditions, my handling of the bike wasn't all that great today. A major contributer is my increasingly worn out to the bones front tire:



The threads look like they've been exposed to major trauma, with hundreds of tiny fissures and cracks on close inspection. I reckon they are going to be nasty in wet weather.

Just as well that I'm getting new wheels. Will switch out the tires at the same time.

This tire has seen more than 2000 kilometres. I don't know how many exactly. I've been beating it on the road ever since I started riding to work, and way before that, perhaps a couple of years in which I don't know how many kilometers were covered.

And given that I rode on roads so much.. I hardly wear out front tires. I must have changed the front only a maximum of 3 times in all the 8 years I've had this bike. So actual mileage may be quite a bit higher.

If you must know one thing about me... it is that everything I own lasts and lasts. Perhaps they are more durable to begin with.

I am also a careful rider. In all these 8 years, I've only ever had 2 flats. I've had 2 accidents on the road, in which a kid opened his door just as I was coming through, and the other in which a Mercedes Benz popped my mirror off in the rain.

That is not to say I don't push the limits sometimes. I almost endo-ed twice today on downhills, even though I have been checking back my speed coz of my tires.

And by almost, I mean I could feel the back wheel come up when I juiced the front. The second time i bounced a bit too much on a few step-like slopes - just a tad bit too much tap on the front and I would have flown for sure.

But with 24 years of cycling behind me ... I think I know how to keep my rear planted. It would be plenty stupid to fall down for no damn good reason - ie riding too fast.

I'm not in a hurry to go anywhere.






After all, I have no where to go.

I Declare Today 'Cute Butt Thursday'.

Here we have old pictures of Toblerone and Maurice, way back when the world was young , their parts were new, and their gibblets were shiny.

And then my computer crashed last fall and I lost all those pictures of them in their halcyon youth.

I cannot spell halycon. Halycon. Halcyon. Halcion?




Here's an interesting fact. I sweat less now on my way to work. Can it be because of the lightened bike? I am awesome.

Hokay, here's the 'mao mao joke'.

Once there were 10 fresh eggs sitting in a tray in the fridge. As usual it's very boring in the fridge, so with nothing to do, one of the eggs started investigating the surroundings.

Suddenly he spied something that made him very excited. He turned to the egg next to him and said, 'eh, ni kan, na ge ji dan, hen errr sin! mao mao chin se de!" (hey look, that egg at the corner is so gross! he's SO hairy and green!)"

The other egg got a shock and gave the gross egg a long stare and turned to the egg beside him, urging him to take a look at the furry egg.

And so it went on. 8 eggs in a row passed the message on to the 9th egg, who was sitting beside the odd egg. Just as the 9th egg turned around to look at the poor ridiculed egg, the egg said....

"KAN! KUA SIMI KUA! WO SI KIWI FRUIT!" (SEE WHAT SEE! I'M A KIWI FRUIT!")

THE END.

I Am Sorry For Your Loss.

Still no bike alarm.


"Monday, July 10, 2006 9:11 PM

Hi Mr Special,



Thank you for your order. The alarm will be despatched to you today. Delivery takes between 5-7 working days.



Kind regards

Administration Team

Email: admin@ducharmealarmsystems.com

Web: www.ducharmealarmsystems.com"


Today is the 7th working day.

No one tried to run me over today. People smiled and waved. Drivers blew me kisses adoringly through their windshields and pedestrians tried to give me money as I cycled past.

Traffic lights turned green before I had time to apply the brakes. Buses careened into the next lane to give me a wide berth and motorcyclists tried to give me high fives as they passed me by.

The traffic police got wind of my award-winning commute and showed up with a 6-strong motorcade escort, and as I arrived at my office building, I was dazzled by the glare of flashing cameras, deafened by the roar of cooing spectators and immensely turned on by a bunch of sexy cheerleaders.

In other words, today, I feel like 12 different kinds of shit. Bonus: locked myself out of the house today, leaving my keys and ipod behind.

Thank you, Murphy. You and your law have been kind to me. I enjoy your company too.

What do I have to look forward to?

I Kill You. I Kill You Dead.

Now normally, I'm a very mellow person. Fruit ripen in my hands. Baby rabbits think I'm their mother. Coconuts fall off trees at my approach, even when they aren't coconut trees.

So what I say next will be surprising. I want to say, what's up with all you drivers who can't slow down before a turn and must make ME slow down to a stop, then overtake?

You mad fuckers. I'm giving you a choice here. YOu can either spend an extra 5 more seconds waiting for me to pass the turn, or drive through and kill me on the spot.

And if I don't die, I'll fucking reach through the cracked windshield and press your eyes out with my bloody thumbs while defecating on your dashboard.

Which will it be?

Fuckers.


I MAY have had just a little too much coffee.

Have You Scraped Your Tongue Today?

Don't do it. It's gross and it's wrong.

So anyway I cabbed down to the LBS (Local Bike Shop) after work yesterday and bought a new chain.

At first I was thinking of getting my bike down so that I could get the Man to install the chain.

I have a chain breaker but no idea how to use it.



The Man said, it's easy. Try it. Grow some balls for a change.

So I did. As it turns out, chain-breakers are easy to use.

As a bonus, I broke the chain at the wrong link to get it down to the right length (just match the old chain length), and promptly gave myself a brand new steel splinter in my forefinger.

Damn, that fucker HURT. So not cool. But for a while I knew how Wolverine must feel to have adamantium in his body. No wonder he's so grouchy.

So now that I am a certified bike mechanic, what are the advancement prospects?

As soon as I can bang a derailleur cogs and chain rings out of sheet metal, TIG-weld my own tube frame, I can apply for Master Bike Mechanic status.

I'll be able to diss customers (and they'll have to take it), wear baseball caps the wrong way round, and grow myself a manly stubble that's more than a goatie and just shy of a yak.

Then it's on to machining my own bearings and casting my own spokes to achieve Bike Mechanic God status.

Mortals will fear me. Bikes tremble in fear at my approach. I can pee from my bike without first getting off.

Muaha. Muahaha. MUAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!!!

Sorry.

In other news, I took off my mirror. It does add something to the weight. I feel lighter but that could be the hangover talking.

The new chain is tighter and shifting is noticeably more decisive.

I want a new wheelset.

Formula Xero Element Mtn XSM-1

Imagine that on this:



Now hold that thought.

Holy Smokes.

Turns out I had more to add last night.

While tuning the brakes and lubing the drive-train, I broke my chain.

I thought my front derailler had exploded in a shower of tiny parts, it was that loud. Coasted to a stop and saw the chain had fallen off.

That's okay. That chain must have seen well over 12 thousand kilometers. For a $30 dollar part, that's plenty of bang for the buck.

So I cabbed to work today. Had to pull an all-nighter for work.

We are all Goofy Goobers.

Goofy Goober

Extract:

Anyone and everyone, we're all Goofy Goobers. You may think you're all sophisticated and cool and have nothing to do with "Goofy Gooberness" but on the inside you're a kid and one of the many Goofy Goobers around the world. Join your fellow Goofy Goobers and ROCK!

Chorus
I'm a goofy goober (rock!)
You're a goofy goober (rock!)
We're all goofy goobers (rock!)
Goofy goofy, goober goober (rock!)

Put your toys away
Well, all I gotta say
When you tell me not to play, I say "No way!"
No no no no no way
"I'm a kid", you say
When you say I'm a kid,
I say "say it again!" and then I say "Thanks"
"Thank you very much"
So, if you're thinking that you'd like to be like me
Go ahead and try, the kid inside will set you free



From left: riding cap, Lizard Skin chainstay protector, riding gloves.



Frame, wheels, newspaper, kitchen.




Tennis and bike washing today. I also take this time to rub and tickle the Moose-stang's smooth blue underbelly.

Nothing more to add.