What Is Cool? Part 1

Or rather, what ISN'T cool?

Do any of these idiots at advertising agencies or magazines really know what 'cool' means?

Before you shoot your mouths off (but of course, I have a more respected view of my esteemed readers, eh), this is what 'cool' means, in my book:

from the secret files of Ike Lew, Coffeeshop Hero:


"Back in the days of slavery, the black man could do nothing while the white man beat up and raped their women. They had nothing, but they had cool, and it was the one thing that couldn't be bought with money or with freedom. The white man would never be cool. And that was why Ike loved jazz."


A bunny, singing about the softness of 3-ply Kleenex, in a jingle even I can compose: that's not cool.

In the same vein, some guy happening upon a Carlsberg traincar that so obviously isn't real (that brings him to a Planet X World Cup), is similarly uncool.

Jennifer Alba in a Tiger ad, when paid millions for it (who knows how much): That's Not Cool.

Not a lot of advertising really is. Not when so much money is at stake. Not when so much time and consideration has been poured into what is considered funny.

I would like to tell a joke.


A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"



So don't talk to me about 'cool'. The poorest black man in darkest Missouri is far cooler than these self-serving fools can ever be.

If you think they're cool... then... perhaps your testicles are black.

Guess how this relates to my last job?

Next post, I'll tell you what cool is. I already have an extensive list.