Back.

So.


You probably have me on MSN.

If you read my last post, you probably think you aren't the last persons I targetted my last post at.

Or, maybe not. You just have my blogspot address which I'm telecasting for just one day.

Guess I can't ask you who are you.

Not yet.

Leaving Las Vegas

I know who reads my blog and who doesn't.

For those who read it and know me in real life ...

Why do you still care? Is my private hell so enjoyable? You spend plenty of time ignoring me when I'm around.

I'm glad to make your day, every day. Some one is feeling shittier than you are, and for you, that must be a revelation on par with Moses parting the bloody Red Sea.

So. Happy Children's Day.

To everyone else, if you want to truly impress me, quote me something that's written by Joseph Heller, author of 'Catch-22', who also wrote that 'When I grow up, I want to be a little boy.", and prove that you understood his novel and everthing he stands for. Coz if you read it and you don't get me, you think with your asshole instead of your guts or head or heart. And good bye to you, because you are a fuckwit I can do without.



Fucker knew what he was writing.

Life's like that.

The book is available from the National Library of Singapore, and I lent my only copy to the Mauritian Mayvin, who fucking never returned it. Asshole. If ever you read my blog, Mayvin, you owe me. Big time.

I have exactly 1.1k to drink myself into oblivion, or at least, die trying.

I hate every one of you out there. So why do you keep reading?

Do you have some kind of death wish?

Like me?

Top 10 Tips for Enhancing That Lovin' Feeling

Top 10 Tips For Enhancing That Lovin' Feeling Between Men and Their Bikes
from Robin McClure (paraphrased. but of course).


Your Guide to Bike Care.

Just like with any relationship, building a positive relationship between bike and owner is one that requires work and effort to make it strong and successful.

Bike ownership is a tough job, and maintaining close relationships and open communications helps to ensure bikes and their owners stay connected through all ages of their upbringing. Here are 10 simple tips for enhancing the bond between bikes and owner.

1) Say I Love You
Tell your bike you love him every day -- no matter his age. Even on trying days or after a bike-owner disagreement, when you don't exactly "like your bike" at that moment, it is more important than ever to express your love. A simple "I love you" goes a long way toward developing and then strengthening a relationship.

2) Teach Your Faith
Teach your bike about your faith and beliefs. Tell him what you believe and why. Allow time for your bike to ask questions and answer them honestly. Reinforce those teachings often.

3) Establish A Special Name Or Code Word
Create a special name for your bike (mine is 'Stang) that is positive and special or a secret code word that you can use between each other. Use the name as a simple reinforcement of your love. The code word can be established to have special meaning between your bike and you that only you two understand. This code word can even be used to extract a bike from an uncomfortable situation (such as a sleepover that is not going well) without causing undue embarrassment to the bike.

4) Develop And Maintain A Special Bedtime Ritual
For younger bikes, reading a favorite bedtime book or telling stories is a ritual that will be remembered most likely throughout their life. Older bikes should not be neglected either. Once bikes start reading, have them read a page, chapter, or short book to you. Even most older bikes still enjoy the ritual of being told goodnight in a special way by an owner, even if they don't act like it!

5) Let Your Bike Help You

Owners sometimes inadvertently miss out on opportunities to forge closer relationships by not allowing their bike to help them with various tasks and chores. Unloading groceries after going to the store is a good example of something that bikes of most ages can and should assist with. Choosing which shoes look better with your dress lets a bike know you value her opinion. Of course, if you ask, be prepared to accept and live with the choice made!

6) Play With Your Bike!

The key is to really play with your bike. Play with dolls, ball, make believe, checkers, sing songs, or whatever is fun and interesting. It doesn't matter what you play, just enjoy each other! Let bikes see your silly side. Older bikes enjoy cards, chess, computer games, while younger ones will have fun playing about anything...as long as it involves you!

7) Eat Meals As A Family
You've heard this before, and it really is important! Eating together sets the stage for conversation and sharing. Turn the TV off, and don't rush through a meal. When schedules permit, really talk and enjoy one another. It can become a quality time most remembered by young and old alike.

8) Seek Out One-On-One Opportunities Often
Some owners have special nights or "standing dates" with their bikes to create that one-on-one opportunity. Whether it is a walk around the neighborhood, a special trip to a playground, or just a movie night with just the two of you, it is important to celebrate each bike individually. Although it is more of a challenge the more bikes in a family, it is really achievable! Think creatively and the opportunities created will be ones that you remember in the future.

9) Respect Their Choices
You don't have to like their mismatched shirt and shorts or love how a bike has placed pictures in its room. However, it is important to respect those choices. Bikes reach out for independence at a young age, and owners can help to foster those decision-making skills by being supportive and even looking the other way on occasion. After all, it really is okay if a bike goes to parking lots with a striped green shirt and pink shorts.

10) Make Them A Priority In Your Life
Your bikes need to know that you believe they are a priority in your life. Bikes can observe excessive stress and notice when they feel you are not paying them attention. Sometimes, part of being a owner is not worrying about the small stuff and enjoying your bikes. They grow up so fast, and every day is special. Take advantage of your precious time together while you have it!


:D Do you love your bike? I do.






My dad's flowers, plants, or some other random shit. My bike at my gramps.

Review the Preview

Lordy.

I wrote all that huh. How embarassing.

I must have felt strongly about something. Don't you love alcohol? In vino veritas: from wine, truth.

ANyway, I'm going to give a stab at this movie reviewing thing after getting a free preview of You, Me and Dupree last night.

The fact that Lance Armstrong is referenced extensively in that movie, and that the main character is a goofball with no job and no responsibilities, really resonates strongly.

What if it's my calling to write movie reviews?

This could be fun.

I'm going to eat prata and cycle 40 clicks and think about how I want to write this review.

Later.

Genesis?

I can't stop thinking about getting caught in storm rain during my last ride at T15. Even though it was raining torrents, and I couldn't see, I trusted my machine well enough to ride at high speeds towards the goal of finding shelter. Didn't slip, didn't endo.

Hence, looking at the bike, I sometimes wonder why it was named 'Moose-stang'. Every branded car maker had tried to introduce their own engineering expertise into the bikes bearing their name. Why not Volkswagen?

So when I read about Gary Fisher's Genesis geometry, I wasn't very impressed.

From Treknology:

How did Genesis geometry get started?

In the spring of 1997, Gary Fisher himself was riding along his favorite trail when suddenly he found himself thrown head over heels over his handlebars. One minute, the father of mountain biking was in single track bliss, the next he had a broken wrist. It was a freak occurrence, a rare event for a rider as skilled as Gary, but it made him think. why? Why had he gone over the handlebars? Why was his center of gravity so far over the front wheel in the first place? This started Gary thinking about bike geometry. It was the genesis of Genesis.

What is Genesis Geometry™?

In a nutshell the angles on a bike are changed to allow for more even distribution of the rider's weight on the bike. A simple sounding concept that has proven to make a big difference. Genesis makes mountain bikes more reactive and more stable, which in turn makes riding safer and more fun. Genesis also make going faster easier, and that has changed how the race world builds bikes.

How does Genesis Geometry™ work for me?

1. Climb more efficiently
because your chainstays are shorter and stiffer. This ends up putting more weight over the wheels which in turn improves traction.

2. Descend with confidence
because your center of gravity is optimally positioned. The rider is further behind the front wheel.

3. Navigate with extreme precision
because your stem is shorter, necessitating a smaller arm movement to steer.

4.Maintain your usual riding stance
because your relative position is unchanged. Genesis allows for the natural distribution of your weight.


Alright. None of the above are new to me, because the Volkswagen delivers on all counts. Whenever I ride a friend's bike, I am always amazed at how different their bikes feel compared to mine. The Moose-stang is much more stable at speed, a missile on wheels.

The compromise seems to be a certain sluggishness in quick manuevering, a lack of flickability on the rear ... making it necessary to get the line dead down before entry, and to use the rear brake and tire to correct the line instead of simply whipping the back end. My rear is glued to the ground. Or maybe my trail riding skills aren't there yet. Also, I've also never flown over the handlebars, something which I am thankful for. In fact, it's pretty damn nigh impossible to endo or faceplant on the steepest inclines.

Million dollar question: does the Moose-stang have Genesis Geometry?

When you look at it, this frame is quite specifically designed to position the handlebars further up front with a long top tube, slack headtube angle leading to a long rake/increased wheelbase, yet with a tight rear triangle.

Compare the Moose-stang to a Genesis Gary Fisher.








Genesis Geometry features a long toptube paired with a short stem. This moves the front wheel forward, which increases confidence and control on descents because you're less likely to go over the handlebars. Plus, saddle-to-handlebar length remains the same for a sweet fit. And, to compensate for the increased wheelbase, Genesis Geometry features short chainstays, which place more weight over the rear wheel for improved traction.


Except the stem isn't short. But that's a part from my old bike. I plan to test a shorter stem some time.

Apart from that, was Volkswagen in fact the first to come up with Genesis geometry, independantly of Gary Fisher? And because of its stability, the guys decided to give it a name that evokes speed and climbing ability? (Mustang/Moose-stang?)

Anyway ... geometry is just a bunch of variable angles. Gary just slapped a name on his particular combination. Marketing man.

I Have Thermonuclear Diarrhea

And atomic piles. *rimshot*

My legs have recovered (yippee)

I had another disaster in my pants. (yippee-ai)

And I feel better than ever before. (yippee-ai-yay)

None of the above is true.

I just needed a reason to cheer.

Hip hip, hurrah! Hip hip, hurrah!

Hip hip... oh never mind.

We'll Do It All

Oh Lordy.

Snow Patrol's 'Chasing Cars' rocks.

Interestingly that's what I do when I'm out riding.

Damn it. I need a girl.

Ok, back to sexing up my dossier.

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lie here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Have You Hugged My T-Shirt Today?

I can finally read and write for fun again.

And I want this book.

Dave Egger's "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius."





For Christmas.

A gift.

From me.

To me.

Is This Blog Hell?

An unpublished section from the novel, 'The Third Policeman', referenced in the hit TV series 'Lost' and involving a romance between a bicycle and a policeman:


"Joe had been explaining things in the meantime. He said it was again the beginning of the unfinished, the re-discovery of the familiar, the re-experience of the already suffered, the fresh-forgetting of the unremembered. Hell goes round and round. In shape it is circular and by nature it is interminable, repetitive and very nearly unbearable."


This is why we all need new things from time to time. If you're stuck in a rut, if you are tired of where you are, do something new.

Fall in love. Quit your job. Have a baby.

2 out of 3 isn't bad. You can think of more.

I Walk Like A Scarecrow.

I have a theory. It is controversial. It explains why men are generally better chefs and gardeners than women.

Not because their brains are bigger. It's more like men find it easier to love things which won't love them back. Like plants, to name one. And beautiful women. Ahaha. And cars, or generally anything with wheels (and suspension) and of course, any kind of sports.

That's why their brains are bigger, to make space for all those other obsessions. Plus, those brain cells have to have *something* to do, right? Women just can't be bothered, eh?

On that note, lookit the limes my dad is growing. This plant used to feed my caterpillars Macey and Wally, but this year, Dad has expressively forbidden me to rear any more caterpillars after they nearly ate the plant out of house and home.

So this year, we're growing fruits instead of butterflies. If by "we're" I mean him exclusively, and if by 'growing' I mean bringing the plant out for a walk (no, literally) to get more sun and fresh air.

Fun fun fun.








And sadly I can't find the pics of Wally and Macey since my computer crashed last August. But I do have a video of Macey emerging from her cocoon. Yes, as she literally claws her way out. I kept an overnight virgil with the camera to catch this (lime butterflies emerge from their cocoons at about 5am.)

Drop me a note if you would like to see this honest to god hauntingly beautiful video, set to Bjork's unforgettable "Undo".


Ok here's another joke:

Which animal can jump higher than a house?

I'll tell you the answer later so that you'll keep reading. I'm crafty.

Last night, I tried instant mashed potatoes for the first time. This one has toasted garlic flavour, and they taste so good, I had 3 sachets in one sitting. (I always liked potatoes.)

Which is bad.

Each serving is 80 calories. So that's like 240 calories, or one and a half hour of running on a treadmill.

These numbers may all be wrong. After all, I don't play a fitness trainer on TV.

SO ANYWAY, today I decided I would try to ride a metric century to get all those potatoes off my body.

I didn't really have a route in mind. Or a place to go.

That's how I ended up at Changi Village.

Boy the place has changed. I stared at every girl, but none of them seemed to be transsies.

Maybe it was too early.

Anyhoo, the compass is a really useful piece of equipment. All I had to do was to note the destination I wanted to reach, and just ride in the general direction. Changi Village was North East, so I headed North East until I hit town, then just North all the way up.

At a cross junction and not sure which road to take? Take the North-heading road.

On the way back I made a wrong turn and ended up in Tampines, which I've never been to, and didn't know how to get to my original route (It involves flyovers and Expressway exits). And time was of the essence, because I had to be back in time for dinner.

No problem. Just go down all south, south west, and west heading roads, and landmarks will help you find your way home.

I am proud of my navigating skills.

I had a lot of fun zipping through Little India at 38km/h. I don't think I'll need a 46 chainring anymore. But still, it will be nice to have one.

But that coupled with my sore muscles from yesterday's 4km run, is killing my thighs. I have to use my arms to push myself off my chair now when I get up.

The last time I ached this much was when I was having athletic sex.

Total mileage from home to Changi Village, and back:



Not quite a century. But I'll do that when my legs have adjusted to this new run/cycle routine.

Anyway, any animal can jump higher than a house. *rimshot*

Because houses can't jump.

And right now, neither can I.

"I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too ...

So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere ... "

Where Shall I Go Now?

I hit 4000 kilometers today. And I don't care anymore what mileage I get. It is empty and pointless, like Lance Armstrong riding a motorcycle. I ride because riding is better than drinking, or gambling, or spending time at home thinking about what a disaster life is becoming.

Not to hit some silly mileage per year or for bragging rights. No offence, Hoffman. But this is why I bought a bicycle computer with no average time, speed, or total time.

Aww, he don't care either.




Also, romances are such ephemeral things. It doesn't take a very big misstep for momentum to just totally disappear and you have to start anew from Square Zero. It really is tiring to have to do this every 8 to 16 months or so.

But if you work at it ... over time ... something does begin to acrue.

Just like how I ran 4km today, when 6 months ago I could barely manage 800 meters.


Desperado, by The Eagles.

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
But I know that you've got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able
No, the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they've drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, and open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you

You better let somebody love you
(let sombody love you)
You better let somebody love you
before it's too late

What Is Cool? Part 2

From The Secret Files Of Ike Lew, Coffeeshop Hero:


"Reggae is cool. Because dreadlocks are cool. Because Bob Marley had some and that boy could sing, and he also shot the sheriff, although, not the deputy, but you shouldn't believe everything you hear. Plus Bob knew how to Stir It Up and Marley thought, "no, woman, no cry."

And so did Ike."


Ike is really starting to take shape as someone I would like to spend more time with. I liked him before when he was just a rock-climber turned dancer, I like him even more now that he wants to be a star. I shall introduce the rest of the cast when they occur to me.

Anyway, back to the topic: Jazz is cool. I won't even begin to list the greats.

Most ads are not cool. To be genuinely cool, you have to not care what you want to do. And too much money is involved. See Part 1.

An example of cool: Flatland Riding. Read that and digest coolness. Look, they come right out and say things they shouldn't, such as "Dress in a all black or a sporty looking hoody with a truckers cap so you will look cool. Looks are much more important in the art of street riding." They don't care if they are thought of as wankers. Also, a web-zine that proclaims that it is "not worth the bytes its transmitted on" has either crafty attitude or my testicles are black. Either way works fine.


Ok, fashion. Fashion is cool, insomuch as it is possible to be cool while spending a small country's GDP on say, 2 small triangles of fabric held together with a yak's beard.

Only to have that taken off, stat.

Yea, I saw 'Devil Wears Prada'. Killer speech, by the way. Oh, that was cool.

Michael Bolton: Not cool.

Orchestral music: coolness evoked. For proof, listen to Hadyn and Rachmaninoff, or try anyone Russian.

Me not giving an ass about writing. That's cool.

What's not cool: having a list.

D'oh. Freakney Speares, it's going to rain buckets. Normally I would grab the Volkswagen and head for the hills, but my new stickers ...

Sigh... I am tragically uncoool.

What Is Cool? Part 1

Or rather, what ISN'T cool?

Do any of these idiots at advertising agencies or magazines really know what 'cool' means?

Before you shoot your mouths off (but of course, I have a more respected view of my esteemed readers, eh), this is what 'cool' means, in my book:

from the secret files of Ike Lew, Coffeeshop Hero:


"Back in the days of slavery, the black man could do nothing while the white man beat up and raped their women. They had nothing, but they had cool, and it was the one thing that couldn't be bought with money or with freedom. The white man would never be cool. And that was why Ike loved jazz."


A bunny, singing about the softness of 3-ply Kleenex, in a jingle even I can compose: that's not cool.

In the same vein, some guy happening upon a Carlsberg traincar that so obviously isn't real (that brings him to a Planet X World Cup), is similarly uncool.

Jennifer Alba in a Tiger ad, when paid millions for it (who knows how much): That's Not Cool.

Not a lot of advertising really is. Not when so much money is at stake. Not when so much time and consideration has been poured into what is considered funny.

I would like to tell a joke.


A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"



So don't talk to me about 'cool'. The poorest black man in darkest Missouri is far cooler than these self-serving fools can ever be.

If you think they're cool... then... perhaps your testicles are black.

Guess how this relates to my last job?

Next post, I'll tell you what cool is. I already have an extensive list.

Stupid Human Tricks

I just saw a news segment in which a man can protrude his eyeballs out by an amazing ** mm.

He says he wants to get certified in the Guiness Book of Records and then join a travelling circus.

I am dumbfounded, as I do a mental inventory of my unusual bodily talents.

1. I can wiggle my ears.

2. I can raise my left and right eyebrows independantly.

3. I can wiggle my nostrils.

4. I can whistle without moving my lips.

5. I can grow half a beard. For some reason, the other half of my chin doesn't want to grow a beard.

Which of these can earn me a living?

Moving further south ... much much further ...

Ha.

Maybe my talent can be NOT doing something.

Go me. I am indeed a God of Small Things.

A Melody Softly Soaring Through My Atmosphere

I have finally stopped being a hermit. I am finally meeting people.

And I have Death Cab For Cutie on repeat.

You really should download it if you can find it.

'Soul Meets Body'.

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

I cannot guess what we'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hand can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Somewhere, A Village Is Missing Its Idiot.

That could be me.



chwee said...

Unfortunately it's a normal state of affairs for our decision-making to be driven by negativity. So even if the alternative may seem shittier, we don't know that for sure. What we do know is that our current option is shit from past experience... so we go for shittier.

9/21/2006 05:09:33 PM

I don't know if I'm driven by negativity. I do know that when I've been happy before, I was making decisions dictated by my gut rather than logical choices dictated by my wallet or brain.

In fact back when my eyes were bright, my teeth shiny and my clothes rather newer, I used to have such a great life.

Instead of the empty, bike-driven drivel (sorry about that) that fills up my life and this blog, I could be writing about Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About.

Of course, I wasn't making enough to live on. My dad got very upset at me and my brother sat me down and had one of those 'You're 27, what have you done with your life' talks, even though I thought I had accomplished a lot. Just, you know... nothing that shows up in your wallet.


I think life should not be a never-ending series of difficult choices between shit, shittier shit, and the biggest steamiest pile of shit from the biggest asshole you can find...

That goes totally against what my gut feels now. My brain chemistry is getting dumped on but my gut is saying 'free me!'.

Life should be more like 'I can have my cake and eat it too, because I bake the best damn cakes the world has ever eaten.'

So that's a thought. I think I'm recovering some of my former fighting spirit. I'm going to wait and see where it goes. Thanks, Sir Chwee.


Meanwhile, back in Specialville... fun with stickers.

Honeycakes:

Sanity Made A Mad Dash For Freedom

These are days when you are sliding down the slippery road of depression and you have to claw your way back up.




Yesterday, I found what might be a dream job for me.

Drama teacher. Sounds promising.

And another: Audience Executive, for the Singapore Symphony Orchestra.

And a few assorted other possibilities. Editors, journalists, conference producer, Straits Times web content producer, etc.

It's so sad. I am resigned to the fact that any job I take on will forever be tied to the way my gut feels about it.

And when you let your gut think for you, well, then you end up with shit for brains.

No hay problema!

Shark: "Gotta catch a fish and eat it. Oops. That was a license plate. Oops. That was a muddy boot. Oops, was that Steve Irwin? Oops... I ... Did It Again."

So I Wanted My Soul Back.

According to Grey's Anatomy, you can have anything you want, if you want it with all your heart, if you are prepared to give everything else away just for this one thing.

That's like, a fuck lot of pressure to be putting on 1 decision, wot?

Why not just keep your options open then? This way you'll never make the wrong choice.

But if you do this long enough, instead having lots of choices open, you're actually closing them all down at one fell swoop.

I love television. Everything I learned in life, I got it from TV.

Here's another of them lessons taught by TV: Northern Exposure, 1992: "If you don't know where you are going, every road will take you there."

I am going to get a job by today. And I refuse to write anymore for a living. I am done with it. All that stress to write on demand is like sex: too much pressure to perform and no fun. Anything can go wrong: stress, an unresponsive penis, a lack of imagination in foreplay.

Yes, I am comparing sex to writing. What's the difference? Different strokes, different folks, and God put a rubber on the tip of a pencil.

You just have to smile at a God who would put an eraser at the tip of a pencil.

I am why pencils have erasers.

I fucking love how I can be as irrelevant and abrupt as I want to be without someone saying I've got 'bad grammar'.

Well I suppose I only spent 4 years studying the literary greats only to graduate with bad grammar and spelling.

Granted, Shakespeare spelt horribly and his grammar wasn't ace, but it would be disingenious to compare myself to Shakespeare now wouldn't it?

Jesus. I really hated my last job didn't I.

Monday Blues

Tell me... who was the last person you struck off your contact lists?

Was it an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend?

Was it an ex-boss or ex-colleague?

Was it a friend who failed to understand you when you needed him or her most?

Who have you failed recently, and why?


And who has struck you off recently? Did you even get an explanation?

Did you get closure?

Do you miss him or her terribly? Goes away with time, doesn't it?

Can I possibly ask one more open-ended question?

Yes?

Do polar bears wake up on Mondays and go, 'GRRR GRRR GRRR GBRRR!!!" (loosely translated: damnit. have to catch a seal and eat it. I hate Mondays)?

What about beavers? Do they get sick of their work and think, maybe they would prefer to collect pollen from flowers and make honey instead?

Does anything other than a human being get the Monday Blues? Caterpillars? "Oh no, I've got to become a butterfly! No time to talk, must eat leaves!"

Dogs? "Got to get my coffee, I'm not really a morning person. Arf."

Cats? "Same thing we do everyday! Plan to take over the world!"

Frogs? "Rabbit."

Rabbits? "Frogs." Oops.

Why does Superman's costume look so tight?

Because he is wearing a size 'S'. *rimshot*

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp....
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees and asks......
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and furwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like the cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees leans forward and says in a quiet voice.....

"I don't think my pet python weally giveth a thit"


That's all, folks.

Fight.

Today, I learnt that if you take a running jump at someone with your leg outstreched, any fight falls in your favour.

I punch and kick well.

I am also an excellent mountain biker.

I am awesome.

I may also have enjoyed 'The Matrix: Reloaded' a little too much.